Northway Goes North, Part 2: Sports Super Special!

Hello viewers, it's your old pal Sheila Northway again. I have left the "charming" hamlet of Grand Forks and am now in a house in the middle of the woods. Obviously this means I have crossed back over the Minnesota border, we all know there aren't trees in North Dakota.

Northwestern Minnesota is a lonely place. Very flat, and not much around except trees and farmland. It seems very desolate, but the house in which I am staying has satellite television, so I don't want anyone to worry about old Stormy Sheila. After all, who needs social interaction when The Surreal Life 5 has just started? Oh Balki, you card.

I came to post a very important sports update on here, which was just sent up to me by stagecoach. Apparently the NHL is done with their lockout. Now, I know this isn't as exciting as Gopher hockey or anything, but it'll be great to see Minnesota's fine pro team in action once again. Let's go North Stars! ...What? Oh. Really? When did that happen? Oh.

Apparently included in the new agreement are some rule changes. Now, the KZZZ Channel 7 Sports Team doesn't really do any research or anything, so I'm just going to offer some guesses as to what these changes might be.

-No more ties, unless you count those horrible ones Barry Melrose wears with his pinstriped suits.
-The "Dasher Cam" will be destroyed before it kills us all.
-All players now required to wear mullets: this was the "Business in the front, party in the back" clause that kept negotiations at a standstill for almost 6 months.
-All goal cams must be sponsored by McDonalds, and accompanied by immortal Doug Woog soundbite "I am lovin' it, Frank!"
-Arena press boxes must include a booster seat so Darren Pang can see the game.

Well, that's about all for this important update. I really don't know what the weather's like down in the Cities, Max never calls me, and I think Rhonda's staking out some sizzling gossip and hard news for you Twin Citians. I'll continue to keep you posted on the happenings up in the Northland, but I'm going to be honest with you, "happenings" is a pretty strong word to describe things up here. I miss all of you terribly. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going out to enjoy this beautiful starlit night. Then, after I'm eaten alive by mosquitoes (should take about 10 minutes) I'll need to break out my first aid kit: afterbite, bandaids, cotton balls, and season one of Arrested Development on DVD. What won't those crazy Bluths do? In the spirit of Bastille Day: Au revoir, mes amis!